Self-Evaluation

I heard from last Sunday's sermon that there was a study which concluded that writing a journal is good not only psychologically, but also physiologically. According to Fr. Baranda, people who kept journals built more antibodies, and generally felt better about themselves. So I decided to pursue writing entries again.

Not a lot of people know that I fear a lot of things. As I managed to construct this solid, uncaring facade, many believe that I am this stronghold that would not budge (or so I think). But actually, there are a lot of things that I really feel terrified about. And I have made some pretty backward decisions in my life because of the things that haunt me. What would most probably surprise most people is that I fear writing. Yes, I have been with a publication for four years in college, and now I am admitting that I indeed fear writing. Not that I cannot stand to write because that is what I am exactly doing right now, but everytime I am tasked to, or everytime I am compelled to write, there is that certain tinge which runs through my neurons. I fear that I make grammatical mistakes, or that people would not find my piece interesting, or the most grave being, that a lot would not get the thought that I am trying to send out. I am more comfortable in editing that I am in writing. As I am typing this piece right now, I have not read the previous lines I have written, in the fear that I myself would not like what I have constructed.

I fear that I might not wake up tomorrow. I always fear that God would get that kick not to wake me up, or any member of my family, or any person that I love. I always think that each morning is a privelege given by God to accomplish something, to fulfill a purpose. However, most nights that I find myself contemplating the day's happenings, I more often feel a sense of dissatisfaction. It's like there are things I could have done better, or have accomplished in general. I am afraid that one morning, God would have run out of reasons to let me live. It's a cycle really, and I don't understand it.

I fear that I am not giving too much of myself to people. I have always had reservations about being too close to people. In the past I have blamed it on the way I was raised. Being at home too much, and not having friends around the neighborhood. But I guess that excuse has run out now, considering that I am an adult capable of changing how she deals with people. I always say that maybe I should have a set of friends whom I can run to, but I never got around to finding 'that' set of friends. Maybe I am not really interested, or I just do not want to share myself. I am a pretty recluse person, and it is not okay that I feel fine about that.

I fear a whole lot of things, like failing in my life goals or giving too much of myself to her only to lose her on the end. I have to accept that I can't spell life nor I can't really say what's going to happen. And sometimes, that blind leap of faith, might just lead me to where I really want to be.